


Drunken Confessions

by gala_apples



Series: Get Xander Laid Season Two [5]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Gen, Genderfuck, Secrets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-13
Updated: 2011-12-13
Packaged: 2017-10-27 07:00:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/292911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gala_apples/pseuds/gala_apples
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Episode 2x05: Reptile Boy</p>
            </blockquote>





	Drunken Confessions

Giles glowered the most British glower he had at the glowing neon number, then rolled over to answer the phone. The oddly pitched ring was highly irritating. He was not a dawn person. He was a night person, and the few hours of sleep he had before work were always desperately needed.

"Giles? I don't know where I am and everything is dark and I don’t know where the vampires are and I need help."

"Xander? Where are you?" Why on earth was Xander phoning at nearly five in the morning?

"I told you I don't know, don't you listen? But I don’t think a vampire would want me because I bet I drank enough to even give a vampire alcohol poisoning."

"You've been drinking? I'll come get you. Tell me what you see and I'll find it."

"The mailbox is blue and the street liney things are white not yellow. Oh, and the street title is called Grove. Oh, and the flowers in the boxes are mainly orange and-"

"Thank you Xander, stay there. Stay right there." Giles pulled a pyjama top already once scent-rejected from the laundry basket and put on sandals. His rush was in no way because he cared about Xander. Anyone insinuating that would be wrong. And silly. He was a Watcher. He cared about Buffy.

Ten minutes later a heavily intoxicated Xander spilled into the car. Giles began to drive him home, if the placed he lived could truly be called a home. The boy was staring at his chest. Giles realised entirely too late for dignity's sake that they pyjama top wasn't buttoned up.

"You have grey chest hair."

"Yes Xander," he said, trying to placate the drunken student of his, "this happens when you get older."

"But you have it. I don't."

"Again, I tell you your body changes as you get older." Dear lord, had no one given him a puberty talk?

"No, I don't mean I don't grow it. I don't have it, I rip it off with duct tape."

"Why?" he questioned, wincing at the thought.

"Because it's ugly and I don't want to be ugly."

"It's perfectly natural for a male to grow hair."

"Same with girls, and they remove it."

Giles had to admit, for a drunken child, he was terribly rational. But his words insinuated something Giles was sure he didn't mean. "Surely you aren't suggesting you want to be a female."

"Why do you think I got plastered?" he asked. Suddenly Giles wanted a drink as well. If Xander wanted to talk at any length about this, he would truly need a drink. Not to mention a place to clean his glasses without swerving and dying in numb-handed horror.

"Do you want to discuss this?"

"It’s not that I like all parts of girlhood it's just that..."

Okay. It was obvious Xander was too drunk to shut up. Giles turned the car around and stepped on the gas in hoping to drown out his voice until they were safely at his home. A drink was necessary before listening. In his long life he had found that any situation, while not improved in the least by drinking, did manage to seem less dire.

Finally they were sitting in opposing armchairs in his home. A nice Scotch cooled with shards of ice was in his hand, fortification enough to let him ask. "Xander, explain how getting drunk is related to chest hair?"

"For years I liked girls. It was great, Jesse and I would steal Willow's clothes and he would get his mom's makeup and I would be beautiful and then we would have sex." An image of two teens frolicking on a king sized bed shot directly to his groin. He gulped ather than sipped his drink. "But then he died and I couldn't tell Willow or Buffy. And then I went to that party and they thought I was a pledge and made me dress up and they spanked me. And it was supposed to be wrong but it was so right and I needed to not care so I drank until I couldn't feel feelings but then there were maybe-vampires."

"I agree with your assumptions. A vast amount of alcohol is needed." He didn't bother to collect more ice, just poured himself another three fingers and drank it down. "So, why was it supposed to be wrong?"

"What?"

"The craving to be female. Why was that wrong? I'm not saying every male has that secret desire, but those that do, they aren’t abnormal. Each person has a different set of sexual proclivities, none are wrong."

"I was wearing a skirt and a blonde wig. I'm a guy. And I liked it. There is something wrong with that."

"Ignore my previous statement, it is wrong. No one should force summer colours onto a winter frame."

"Oh, like I could tell them that? Hah!" Giles looked, and saw when the confusion sunk in Xander's expression. "Wait... why do you care about colour?"

"Because my proclivity is watching. Beautiful things, mind you, not just anything. And I've come to know that the wrong shades ruin the entire image."

"You like watching? Even guys?"

"Strictly speaking, you don't consider yourself entirely male. But yes, my youth taught me there is nothing wrong with dick."

"Want to watch me sometime then?" he asked, shyly.

"Only when we are both very drunk." Giles replied, and swallowed what was left of his scotch.


End file.
